Statistically speaking, if you chose to attend a particular college or university, it sucks.

The same way that once you hit age 25 no one cares if your high school baseball team was back-to-back state champs, once your biological clock strikes 30 you realize pretty much every college people brag about attending is super lame, and you stop being impressed by acceptance in to an institution that issues degrees of varying worth and start granting merit to actual, real world accomplishments and contributions to society. 

This isn't directed to those of you who just went to whatever place of higher learning made the most geographic and financial sense, because you aren't the ones with the matching alumni license plate holder, window sticker and antenna topper. It's the people who weighed the merits of University A versus University B versus College C, who then proceed to congratulate themselves and boast about their choice for years to come.

Right now you're thinking, "Not my college, my school was the best!" but that assertion, much like the statement, "U2 has to have put out at least one good song since the first Bush administration," is incorrect.

Here's the hate breakdown:

The Ivy League (Harvard, Yale, Princeton, come on you know the rest)

Pretentiousness is out of fashion, and your massive, untaxed endowments are a gaudy symbol of excess.

The Big Sports Schools in the Middle of Nowhere (Michigan, Oregon, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Alabama)

Stop painting your faces and try doing something cultural - never mind, scratch that, you're four hours from the nearest metropolitan area.

The Small Liberal Arts Colleges (Middlebury, Vassar, Williams, Swarthmore)

Safe spaces much? And how about trying to get a degree that will land you a job immediately out of college instead of narrowing down where you'll go for your Masters and Doctorate a week after freshman orientation.

The Private City Schools (Boston University, NYU, Tulane, George Washington, Northwestern)

Can you really say you went to school in New York or DC when you only left campus to shop, go to a bar, or go to a frat party at Columbia or Georgetown?

The Other Private Schools who Care About Sports (Notre Dame, Duke, USC, Vanderbilt, Boston College)

Stop trying to distract the nation from the fact that all but, let's call it, 120 of your students are a bunch of nerds by having, like, 3 good athletic programs. It's not working.

* the only good colleges of choice are University of California, Berkley and Stanford. Congrats, all you Golden Bears and Cardinals out there.

The encouraging news is that, like any relationship which starts when you're not of legal drinking age and lasts for four years before gracefully collapsing, there's plenty of life ahead of you to recover from an extended binge of excess self-aggrandizement and delusion. Step one: pick up this 2-way Backpacker from The Superior Labor and look like the coolest kid in school, wherever you are. Step two: never talk about South Bend or the Harvard-Yale football game ever again. Step three: spend some time volunteering with those less fortunate, and you're well on your way to recovery.


Price:  $236

Brand:  The Superior Labor

Store:  Baum-kuchen

Why:  The most difficult type of bag to find is one that can function well and look good either worn or held. While it's true most traditional backpacks have top loops, the weight distribution of a standard backpack combined with the typical the placement a single loop on the rear panel means the bag won't be steady or comfortable when held. This Backpacker from The Superior Labor, with a brass zipper, padded leather shoulder straps, and painted navy bottom, was designed with both uses in mind and will look stylish however you wear it - even if it's just a visit back to your incredibly lame alma mater.