THE IMPORTANCE OF LOCKING IT UP

You walk in to the locker room after a friendly. "Hello, welcome!" from the cute front desk attendant, feeling good about your upcoming workout. After stopping to fill a water bottle, you head over to the first locker see doesn't already have a lock. You open the door, but hanging there like a ghost's skeleton is someone else's clothes. You sigh, shut the door, but spy another locker a few feet away with no lock. Again you open the door, yet unfailingly: another gym bag, work clothes, toiletries and keys. You repeat this process no fewer than six more times, moving further and further away from the entrance, until finally you find a locker mercilessly free of someone else's shit.

Trying to understand the mindset of someone who simultaneously...

  • cares enough about his body to belong to a gym,
  • but so little about his physical belongings that he would rather assume the risk of someone stealing his stuff than expend the minimal effort required to purchase a nine dollar combination lock

... is an un-winnable game. It is, however, a great set of mental gymnastics to complement some physical exercise.

If you are one of these lockless heathens, honestly, what's the thought process? Do you have such trust in humanity that you assume your stuff, and your stuff alone, is free from the threat of theft? Does this line of thinking extend to other areas of your life? Do you leave your bike leaning freely against a parking meter all day, your car filled with expensive electronics and loose change open to the public, and your front door casually ajar while you sleep at night? Or is this a behavior limited to the gym, because a forty dollar monthly membership is too a high a hurdle for potential thieves to clear?

The whole situation really makes you, a normal person who uses a lock, just want to fuck with these inconsiderate people, and the possibilities - ranging from innocuous to mean - are endless. Leaving a note in each unlocked locker, "Thanks for letting me check out your underwear!" is creepy but ultimately harmless, while rearranging someone's shit - hanging a shirt upside down, moving shoes from the bottom to the top shelf, shifting everything that was on the left side to the right - will drive a person nuts for the rest of the day.

There are also options that take a bit more work, like transferring the entire contents of Locker #102 down a few rows to Locker #115. With no personal lock on the handle to immediately recognize where they put their stuff, you'll hear, "I promise it was right here!" as they start frantically opening adjacent lockers until they find their belongings, exactly as they remember leaving them, in a locker eight feet to the right.

And last, the best trick to play on lockless locker leprechauns is to swap out a piece of their clothing with someone else's, raiding multiple locker to create a Sliding Doors situation for two likeminded lazy idiots. Unless you label clothes like you're heading to overnight camp for the first time, as we have to imagine Yves Saint Laurent's mother, Lucienne, did with these Embroidered Court Shoes, you'll think, "I swear I wore a J. Crew button down today, but this one says Brooks Brothers. I mean, it fits alright, but I thought mine was more like the one that guy over there's putting on right now... Wait a minute, what the fuck - did someone swap out the shirt from my locker?!" 

Don't forget the bonus points if you can create an entire cascading series of mismatched wardrobes from people who didn't lock their lockers, instead of just one switch and replace. Unlocked Locker A gets to keep his own shirt, but now he has pants from Locker B, a belt from Locker C, the wallet of the guy in Locker D, and the guy from Locker E's socks. Sure, you might get both your ass kicked and/or thrown out of the gym, but you'll have taught a valuable lesson: any time you can expend minimal effort now to forestall maximum inconvenience later it's worth it, unless you enjoy literally walking a mile in another man's shoes.

 

Price:  $545

Brand:  Saint Laurent

Store:  SSENSE

Why:  While A$AP Rocky might be stunting as GQ Style's "Flyest Human" in thick-soled Balenciaga Triple S Runners, there will always be a place for more minimal sneakers. And if you want to step outside the path tread by Common Projects, these Saint Laurent shoes pair perfectly with some skinny jeans and whatever else you feel like up top. They're distressed, but nowhere near the are-you-kidding-me levels that some brands play with, which means you won't have to sweat about actually putting some wear and tear on them, plus the embroidery of the name on this Saint Laurent pair will last a hell of a lot longer than the sharpie your mom used on the inside of your t shirts back at Lake Placid Summer in 1996.