The DOG PARK Person

In the pet world, cat people get a bad rap. While not totally underserved - you have to be a little off to actively prefer a pet who is at best indifferent to your presence and at worst openly antagonistic over one whose entire existence is centered around your happiness - not all dog people are totally sane either.

For felines, everyone knows the Crazy Cat Lady stereotype. What many people are less familiar with is their canine counterpart, the Dog Park Person. If you've ever been to a dog park before you can spot this person a block away, but by then it's too late; he clocked you a half block sooner. If this perpetual tracksuit-wearing weirdo has ever met you or your dog before, he will rush over and addresses you both by name, then get down low and start to wiggle his own ass in some sort of weird call and response behavior-matching game with your dog. 

And if you haven't encountered the Dog Park Person before, get ready for an interview more thorough than a Green Card application. How old is your dog is? Where did you get him? What's the name of his breeder? Which vet are you taking him to? Where do you guys live, is it close to here? Does he have all his shots? Do you guys know Rico, the Australian Shepherd mix who lives around the corner? Does he go to day care? Who do you use for your dog walker? The list goes on and on and on, and you can only hope to be saved by breaking up a round of intense dog on dog humping or your pup showing up with a ball in his mouth and an expectant look on his face.

No one in their right mind goes to the dog park to make friends or interact with other people; in fact that's the opposite of what is supposed to happen at dog parks. Dog parks - sometimes a park in only the loosest terms, really just a raggedy torn-up fence enclosing an asphalt lot - are for dogs to run around free from the threat of cars, kids, and bikes, and to make friends of their own. Also, to be clear, if you want to meet a stranger or interact with a human being you can do that at literally any other park in the world whose name doesn't begin with the prefix "Dog."

So next time you find yourself heading to Bark Town, throw on these Runabout Ranger Pants - the funky rear pocket is perfect for storing a few tennis balls, your perfect, hidden Get Out of Jail Free card when you need to make your escape from the Dog Park Person. 


Price:  $185

Brand:  Runabout

Store:  STAG

Why:  Every guy should have a pair of green pants in his rotation and all the better if the cut and design is military-inspired, since the armed forces were the OG green-pants-wearers. This pair from Runabout checks those boxes and is also made in America, and differentiates itself with unique button flap pockets. The rear pocket is especially interesting, and functions like a hidden, always-on-you fanny pack. These would go well rolled up with a pair of dark brown boots (like the Commando Boots from Oak Street Bootmakers) or some New Balance 991's. Or throw on your dog-walking shoes and be the most practically dressed dude at the park.