setting A GOOGLE ALERT FOR your own name

Only two types of people set Google Alerts for their own names: fugitives and narcissists. 

Unless your name is Dr. Richard Kimble, or you and your loved ones were recently relocated to Toledo, Ohio with new identities and a used Honda Odyssey, no one wants to hear you explain that the alert is only there to, "monitor for identity fraud." And if for some reason you insist on keeping up the charade, you should also know that while the poor saps listening to you drone on nod outwardly, internally they're gagging and gouging out their eyes, just like they do when you say, "I'm 6'0" in shoes," or, "What sort of crypto are you in to?"

No one is saying you shouldn't check in on your World Wide Web presence. It's perfectly reasonable to casually Google your name a couple times the year; no one wants that horrible photo from their work website to be his or her top Image Search result. But there is a palpable difference between an occasional lookup and asking the 24th biggest company on Earth world to notify me fucking immediately if any one of the billion or so people who use your site even so much as mentions me. 

Setting a Google Alert for yourself means not only do you believe people are looking to find out more about you - which they definitely are not - but it also says you believe those same people, or a subset of them, are actively creating internet content that first) contains your name and second) is not flagged as some sort Russian troll farm Horse_ebooks auto-generated spam. The Venn diagram of people who set Google Alerts for their own names, people who have created but not ordered business cards that list their occupation as Social Media Influencer,  and people who have looked up "Bed-Stuy or Williamsburg equivalent+Los Angeles," within the past six months is actually just three circles drawn on top of one another.

Like the old vegan joke goes, with this Turtleneck Argyle Sweater from Haversack you won't have to tell anyone that you set Google Alerts for yourself. Every time you saunter in to a room all sweater'd up - literally neck deep in cashmere - it'll be evident from moment those saloon doors swing open that you're swimming in self-obsession, but only in the healthy, totally not deranged kind of way.


Price:  $728

Brand:  Haversack


Why:  If you wore this geometric turtleneck sweater to sixth grade picture day your crush wouldn't talk to you for the rest of the year, but throw it on at age 31 before you head to a bar and you'll be beating them away. It's true that in this case "them" may refer excusively to other weird menswear nerds, but hey - you won't have to go home alone unless you want to. Made in Japan with 100% cashmere, a ribbed neck (for your pleasure), and contrast tipping at both the cuffs and hems, no one will mistake this sweater for anything but the finest dress to impress jawnz in the land.