never USE VIDEO CALLS FOR WORK

One of the five worst things about the internet is the expectation that every call needs to be a video call.

The only people you should slap that "Enable Video" button for are:

  • Someone you would like to see naked
  • Significant other
  • Child, parent, or grandparent
  • Friend who lives more than a two hour plane ride away

You'll notice nowhere on that list was your boss, coworkers, remote consultants, regional sales associates or internationally-based employees. And yet, on those blessed days when your manager deems it permissible for you to work from home, there's nothing that will ruin your day faster than dialing in to your 9am conference call and seeing that everyone else has already enabled video chat.

Seriously, think back on the last five conference calls you had for work: unless your job is running virtual wine and painting classes or giving dental consultations over FaceTime, there was absolutely no reason for anyone to call in using video. And yet no one seems to understand that the entire benefit of not having to be in the same physical space to get shit done is so you don't have to see physical reminders of the awful people you work with and the hours of your life you're giving away in exchange for 48 hours of weekly freedom.

At least back in the early 2000s - and perhaps kept alive on adult cam sites today, not that we'd know anything about that - you had a movable USB camera you could carefully arrange to minimize double chins and maybe not show the giant collection of American Girl Dolls you keep in your office. Instead now that every laptop comes with a front-facing camera we're not only subjected to zoomed in visages of our coworkers' teeth at a distance much closer than would ever be appropriate in person but we're also forced to view them from the most hideous angle, that tilted back, MacBook screen at 70 degrees, looking-up-from-below perspective that adds innumerable double chins and twenty pounds to every already unattractive face.

The other thing that people don't seem to realize is that thanks to the wonders of modern technology the rest of us can see your ratty old University of Illinois sweatshirt in screaming 4K resolution or the fact that you decided to go for the full Down South approach and dial in wearing only a yellowed wife-beater is crystal clear, and yet you still didn't select the "Audio Only" option.

So in the event that you are the odd man out and everyone else decided they were going to be masochists together and agree to enable video, it's absolutely vital that you have a piece of clothing nearby that you can throw on to make it look like you at least changed out of your gym clothes before you dialed in. This High Collar Wool Sweater from kolor achieves both the primary goal of helping you appear as though you actually got dressed for work today, but moreover prevents you from looking like a digital Jabba the Hut created by that terrible from below neck camera angle. And thanks to the blue, grey and black static-esque pattern, everyone just might think your camera is going fuzzy and tell you to switch over to the "Voice Call" selection. Win, win, win.

 

Price:  $444

Brand:  kolor

Store:  Haven

Why:  Kolor makes some of the best knits and tailored offerings coming out of Japan, and we'd be remiss if we didn't also plug the jacket version of this sweater, which adds front pockets, contrast panelling and elasticated cuffs and hem. As a moderately-priced piece this sweater offers a more accessible entry point the brand and its funnel neck is perfect for layering during cold weather when you don't want feel like bothering with a scarf, and the high neckline is also handy for throwing on over your parody "Fuck the Police!" Sting shirt seconds before you connect to that video call with your boss.