LOOK AT THIS F!CKING BLANKET

You remember how easy it used to be. Blankets used to just be a practical item everyone kept around their house. When the temperature dipped below sixty-five, you knew you had three options: put on more clothes, turn up the heat, or grab a blanket.

But not these days.Nothing is simple any more.

It started with a slide show. Bored at work, you found yourself perusing an article on menswear legend Nick Wooster's New York city apartment. "Very cool," you think. "Lots of military green, leather, and complementary shades of grey. Oh, huh, that's an interesting bed. I like how the frame is oriented in a non-traditional direction. And what an interesting geometric-print blanket, it really gives the room a pop of color!"

As you begin a mental inventory of your own home, you acknowledge your 1998 Chicago Bulls throw blanket has seen better days and, like a typical millennial, you turn to the internet for guidance. "Here's a Gear Patrol listicle about wool blankets. It's kind of weird that the colors of this generic condo match so closely to Nick Wooster's real house. Also - nah, it's probably just a coincidence - but that this blanket is orange with grey contrast and casually folded in exactly the same manner as the blanket in that last article."

Indulging the chem-trail conspiracy theorist within - and willfully ignoring the bastardized English of the syntax - you ask Google, "Is there a right way to blanket?" But before you can say I'm Feeling Lucky, your stomach starts to drop as the leading image from a How to Drape a Throw Blanket blog entry pops in front of your eyes. When the post's writer casually asks you, "What’s your 'throw style?'” like a friend yelling from the bar for a drink order, you click the Back button as fast as your trackpad allows.

Trying to rationalize what you've just seen, an inner monologue begins: "Well, I guess in this Instagram age I shouldn't be so surprised that people can't make decisions for themselves. I guess it's only logical that they would need pictures of other peoples' homes to help them figure out where to put a blanket when it's not in use."

As you being to scroll down, momentarily forgetting that you moved on from "wool throws"  to "Is there a right way to blanket?" you see it, the natural conclusion of human existence: wikiHow to Drape a Throw over a Sofa.

A step-by-step guide complete with visual aids for people so dumb that they literally need soft color diagrams to show them how to fold a flat rectangle in half.

"God damn it," you ask yourself as you being to fashion a noose out of your old blanket, "Does every shred of our existence have to be quantified, prescribed and emulated? Is all fate preordained? Am I doomed to live the rest of my life in God's version of Uber's bystander-murdering autopilot?" If the existence of this is any indicator, evidently the answer is, Yes.

But wait - don't kick the chair just yet, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Next time you're cold instead of calling your therapist for permission to remove a perfectly placed accessory from its resting place, grab this Coyote & Thunder blanket from Indigofera instead. When you're done you can fold or throw it however or wherever the hell you like. Maybe your home will never be featured in Better Homes and Gardens but at least you'll be rested and ready for a fight when the robot overlords arrive.

 

Price:  $430

Brand:  Indigofera

Store:  Meadow

Why:  Face the facts: seventeen years of your mother haranguing you wasn't enough to motivate you to make your bed. Maybe, just maybe, owning a blanket this cool will be the kick in the ass you need to make your bedroom presentable, on the million-to-one chance you can lure a potential mate home. Made in Norway from 100%... Norwegian... wool, nothing says, "I'm both masculine and maybe a potential serial killer," like a blanket adorned with a wolf head, bear tracks, a ram's head and some assorted skulls. Finally, a homegood to match your sparklingly personality.