LAST RITES ON A CROWDED TRAIN

Train martyrs. If you've taken a subway or commuter rail during rush hours, you know these patron saints of look-at-me chivalry and, rightfully so, you hate them. 

If you're blessed with a solitary get-to-work option, to walk, bike, or drive, it's possible you've been able to avoid train martyrs. Congratulations - compared to those of us who have to restrain ourselves twice a week from verbally accosting a stranger, your lower blood pressure tacks on at least an extra year or two to the end of your life. 

Train martyrs are those people who, despite an empty seat located directly in front of them, choose to remain standing in a superfluous display of... something - strength, gallantry, superior core muscles? - instead of sitting down in the open area. Ostensibly, their thought process is, "Oh, I'm a big strong boy I don't need to sit in this seat, I'll save it for a nice old lady," but because the train is jam packed with commuters no one can see that the open seat exists, and even if someone does spot it from down the aisle it's impossible to traverse fellow cattle to sit down. Rather what happens is, thanks to Mother Theresa of the Red Line, there's one more person forced to wait fifteen minutes outside in the cold for the next train instead of squeezing in to the car.

"That's just the cost of living in the city!" your friends say, as they throw their proverbial hands in the air. To them the appropriate response is, "Have you ever been on a train on a foreign country? An Alabama Wal-Mart on Black Friday is less chaotic than the opening of train doors on a crowded platform in Shanghai." A train martyr's bullshit wouldn't fly overseas, hell, Singapore has a $700 fine for spitting out gum on the street, so it's nothing less than Game of Thrones trial by combat if you don't do the right thing and sit down.

The problem with train martyrs, as an average citizen, is there's no effective way to combat them without looking like a delinquent yourself. Screaming at a random man or woman twenty feet down a train compartment while you try to shove your way through is a fast way to get the "Call Conductor" button pressed, even if you're trying to perform a service for the greater good. The next time you see a train martyr in action here's your plan of attack: plow wildly through the train towards them, all the while yelling, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you in the blue hat! Are you going to take that seat or what?!" Yes, you'll endure some temporary embarrassment but next time that person won't think twice about taking that seat themselves, so your sacrifice is for the greater good. Either that, or put on this Haversack Mock Shirt which, not coincidentally, isn't far off from a priest's outfit, and read them their last rites before you murder them. After all, you're only a martyr once you're dead.

 

Price:  $220

Brand:  Haversack

Store:  Present

Why:  Truth be told, it's not easy to wear a black button down shirt without looking like a waiter at a shitty Italian restaurant or the sixth member of My Chemical Romance. The good news is this Haversack piece has enough differentiators to set yourself apart from emo prom attendees: the mock turtleneck collar is perfect for winter weather layering, and the shoulder buttons and triangular, almost western-inspired front pocket do more than enough to remind people that black isn't just for funerals.