keeping quiet/HOW TO ACQUIRE A CAT

When you work in an office, the most your coworkers should know about you is a last name, approximate age, previous employer, and one talking point to be referenced at mandatory social events. You want to be described like Preston, from Can't Hardly Wait:

Preston? I dunno, his hair's kinda, I dunno, brown?
No, it's not really brown. Oh, he's tall.
Yeah, he's kinda kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's like always wearing like t-shirts.
- So, he's sort of tall?
Kind of.
- With... hair?
Yeah.
- And he wears t-shirts sometimes?
Yeah.

So, to recap, the people you work with should know your last name is Springer, you're around 30, that you used to work at IBM, and that you wear glasses which you keep in an indestructible Knox Trail Running Case from District Vision.

What your coworkers should definitely not know is that you're a psychopath with no regard for societal norms, property laws, or interpersonal relationships. Enter, to the fray, Rachel and her coworker. Despite countless, "I don't want to be your friend, and I don't care about your life," behavioral flares, every time Rachel's coworker received a personal call she would not only take the call at her open floor plan desk, she would follow up immediately with the call's subject matter. One day, Rachel heard:

"Well, no... No... No, I don't think so. I'm not going to do that... Well, that's your prerogative... OK. OK. Nope, that's just not going to happen... Sorry to hear that, but it's mine now. Goodbye."

Before Rachel, office heroine, could make her escape, Oversharing Sharon turned to explain: a friend had been working out of the country for a month and left her cat with Sharon. Over the course of the month, Sharon decided she liked the cat more as a pet than she liked its owner as a friend and she had just informed its owner that in fact, no, she would not be relinquishing the animal, and she was now the owner of a new cat. Instead of a sheepish admission - or saying nothing at all - Sharon relayed the story like a serial killer confessing her crimes on an episode of CSI. The next week Rachel quit her job, and after Sharon tried to call her for a reference Rachel blocked Sharon's number in her phone.

Don't be like Sharon. Wear glasses that you keep in a District Vision case, sometimes, and just to be safe don't talk to your coworkers, ever.

 

Price:  $60

Brand:  District Vision

Store:  District Vision (also SSENSE and Need Supply)

Why:  However you slice it, transporting glasses is a pain. The smallest case is still too large to fit in a pants pocket, and if you tempt fate with the "half in/half out" move you'll eventually forget until the moment you sit awkwardly and hear the snap of breaking plastic. This Trail Running case from District Vision puts safety first with a polycarbonate shell, and is even waterproof for up to thirty minutes if you find it accidentally dragging behind your kayak. Plus, it's got a carabiner for those times when you need to keep your hands free. But most importantly it looks super cool, so whether it's held nonchalantly on the train or placed strategically next to your laptop at the coffee shop, people will recognize: "That guy might not have 20/20 vision, but his style is 100/100."