Why is it that private jets are fawned over and held up as a financial gold medal while private helicopters are totally slept on? Seems like about time that line of thinking came to the end of its runway.

Do you know how many rap songs name drop Sikorsky or Bell? Not a single one. Do celebrities and the ultra-rich secretly love being stuck in traffic while they transit from palatial estate or downtown penthouse to airport because it reminds them that, when life's fat is all boiled down, we're inescapably human together? That seems an explanation highly suspect at best.

These truths are universal: the consecutive lows of being talked down to like a schoolchild then manually assaulted by the TSA are objectively soul-crushing, and science has yet to explain the relationship between how normal human bodies function and the frequency of delays due to clogged rear lavatories. So why not bypass them, and start the efficiency before you get to the airport, or bypass the airport altogether?

If you could afford to walk out of your front door - or, more realistically, retreat through the rear to a terrace overlooking a sprawling backyard - and be airborne ninety seconds later, why wouldn't you? Helicopters are efficiency mechanized, and represent a maximum investment in the value of your time time and the most leveraged use of your One Percent'er funds. There's only one way to get door to door from Paris to London in 90 minutes.

Also, and maybe this should've been the lede, helicopters can fly backwards, whenever the fuck they want to. Think about it. Can you imagine a plane flying backwards? There you are, cruising at a couple hundred of miles per hour, when all of a sudden your chair moves as if the pilot said, "Nah, fuck this direction, let's go back and check out that shit over there we just passed, it looked pretty cool." That feeling of reversal is absolutely mind (and, potentially, stomach) blowing.

And if you're going to be traveling in transportation's most efficient, luxury flex you'll want to be traveling light; there's no time to pack on the way to the airport anyways. Enter the Smugglers Bag from Camiel Fortgens, discrete enough to be worn under even the lightest outerwear but substantial enough to hold your passport, iPhone charger, and more than enough money and drugs for a weekend getaway. Perfect for the individual who prices efficiency over all.


Price:  $240

Brand:  Camiel Fortgens

Store:  NEIGHBOR (also La Garçonne)

Why:  You may have heard that fanny packs, waist bags, side bags, or whatever you want to call them are back - they clocked in at number five on Hypebeast's Top 2017 Trends list - but to a forward thinker like yourself, that game is already old. You're the type to be on the next big wave while it's still just a minor swell a mile offshore, and that's why you're going to pick up this Smugglers Bag from Camiel Fortgens. While the Smugglers Bag shares a hands-free sensibility with its mainstream-resurgent cousins, its over-one-shoulder/around-the-waist dual straps ensure the bag won't slip around throughout the day, and by proposing that you wear it under, not over, the rest of your garments you're engaging in another past time of the helicopter class: the tasteful art of the subtle, nuanced flex.