GOING TO FUNDRAISERS WHILE SINGLE
Have you gone to a charity event lately? We're not talking about BREWS FOR CREWS, the annual all-you-can-drink-pitchers event to support your old college rowing team, but something professionally organized by a competent individual to benefit a greater good, like disease research or scholarships for low-income kids? You'd be surprised how much better an open bar tastes when you're drinking for a cause. Also, not for nothing, those things are absolutely hopping with smart, single women.
Everyone knows that girls mature faster than boys, but let's be honest - the competency gap never really evens out. As a whole, women have proven themselves intellectually superior to men in pretty much every way, it just took a loosening of social structures for women to start to escape from under the dumb thumb of men. Fifty six percent of college freshmen this year are women, and the trend is only increasing; imagine where the world would be if we hadn't excluded that many smart people from broader education and career options for so long. Maybe that's why so many authors thought we'd have flying cars in 2017, they figured we would have gotten our gender equality shit together by now. Anyways, back to the charity thing.
It's no wonder you're not meeting much date material shouting at a shitty NFL game at your local sports bar on Thursday nights, where you need to be is putting your money - and your social capital - to work and hit up some fundraising events. Worst case scenario is you're contributing money to a worth cause, while the best case scenario is that you're taking real steps to not be such a worthless human being. A ticket that runs you fifty bucks will probably include free drinks and appetizers, and the ability to mingle with people - read: single ladies - who may actually have a purpose in life. Sure, when you walk in you'll feel like George Costanza entering the forbidden city of beautiful people, except instead you'll be asking yourself, "Who do I need to bribe to get on the right email list so I know things like this are happening?!" Next you'll notice that 90% of the other men there are either there with a significant other or work for the group who organized the event, so just by your sheer random existence that night you've put yourself in an eligible minority. It certainly won't hurt that you decided to wear your Japanese indigo Eidos Augusto Jacket and Morgan Chinos, giving off that mysterious je ne sais quoi combination of understanding how to dress for an evening out, but not appearing to care too much about how you look.
And when, instead of crashing and burning with your usual pickup lines or forgetting how to speak completely when talking to a member of the opposite sex, an out-of-your-league woman walks up to you and says, "That suit would look great crumpled up at the end of my bed," please do your best no to mansplain how right she is given the nature of the tailoring on an unstructured blazer, just be quiet and go with it. Like the old adage goes, "It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt."
Price: $825 (jacket), $250 (pants)
Why: This jacket and chinos pairing from Eidos are the rare separates that work just as well apart as they do together; there's nothing worse than seeing a guy wearing what you know to be a suit jacket paired with a mismatched pair of pants thinking everything is fine when in reality he is the walking embodiment of a dumpster fire. The indigo color of these pieces allows them to pair well with a variety of patterned or solid shirt choices, and they'd look just as good with boots as they would with a pair of Alden or Allen Edmonds. The corduroy fabric also gives you the option to dress the suit down or up - who knows, maybe someone may even mistake you for a hurried university professor, finally making your parents proud.