no cool holiday parties

Holiday parties are really just amateur hour, obligatory-attendance events held by people who don't know where to buy cocaine (or how the fuck to throw a party in general).

It's apparent the season is upon us when you start getting listserv emails from Maria in accounting about who's bringing what to the Non Denominational Potluck, or your wife starts reminding you to keep 3pm sharp on Wednesday, December 9 free on the calendar because her department is too cheap to throw a party on a Thursday or Friday and if you get there late the two per person well-only drink tickets will be gone. And you know you can always count on that guy you met a couple times who used to work with your friend Rob to invite you to his Festivus For the Restofus 2k17 Party at his apartment that's constantly six degrees above a comfortable temperature, no matter what time of the year it is. 

And at this party there will only be two types of people:

  1. The Plato's Cave dwellers of parties, recognizable by phrases such as, "Oh boy, is there rum in this fruitcake?" or "I hope I don't fall into the band's loudspeaker during an emotional, yet crowd-pleasing version of 'Frosty the Snowman," and  
  2. Other cool fuckers like you who were forced out of social norms to attend, stand within arms reach at all times of the free alcohol, and can't wait to get the hell out of there and go to a real party.

All of the above individuals, be they stooge or Scrooge (McDuck, the dope one), know that there's only one garment listed in the unwritten holiday party dress code handbook: a sweater. Wear this Stussy Color Bleed joint and no one will mistake you for a party narc.


Price:  $175

Brand:  Stussy

Store:  Saint Alfred 

Why:  To paraphrase Justin Timberlake quoting Sean Parker, "A one color sweater isn't cool. You know what's cool...? A five color sweater." A more affordable alternative than mohair or dyed options from Saint Laurent or Elder Statesmen, and less AMERICA! (or France!) than this Ganryu flag, the real benefit of this Stussy sweater is that monotone, deep blue top half says, "Yeah I party," and the mix of slashed neutrals on the bottom half say, "... Hard."