ADMITTING DRUG USE TO YOUR PARENTS

How do you tell your parents you do drugs?

If you're one of those squares who finds themselves in their late 20's or later without ever taking a walk on the pharmacological wild side, then good for you! You're straight-laced enough that you'll never have to solve this dilemma. For the rest of us with friends and social lives, the reveal could only have gone one of three ways:

1) Your parents did drugs while you were growing up, so just like a dad who gives his teenage son a first sip of beer, once you hit 16 your mom showed you how to roll a joint properly and how to smoke responsibly. Awesome! You were probably the most popular kid in high school senior year, and learned how to respectfully integrate foreign substances in to a responsible adult life.

2) You got caught smoking pot in your basement with your Honor Roll friends, despite your best efforts to mask the smell by emptying a can of Axe Body Spray in to the vent and using a set of PVC pipes to blow the smoke straight outside. Since you were a good student your parents didn't really mind, and it was the easiest way to soften the blow that you weren't going to be perfect forever.

3) You've passed all the adult milestones: held down a full time job, graduated from your parents' insurance to your own, started a savings account, donated to charity, and read at least a book every month or two, but you realized your mom and dad have no idea you enjoy an edible or two on weekends, or that you did cocaine a few times that summer you lived in LA. There's really no good way to enter that conversation either. It's not as though you can be watching CSI: Miami, see a character light up a Marlboro, then go, "What is he smoking Ma, a marijuana cigarette? You know I've been known to spark up a doobie now and then." If that's how you break the news they're more likely to be concerned you're a shut-in who identifies a bit too much with Brendan Fraser's character in Blast From the Past more than anything else.

So what is a normal, well-adjusted adult who simply doesn't really have an open type of of relationship with his parents to do? When faced with an inevitable outcome - that one weekend your mom will stop by to take care of the cat, and while looking for a coffee mug she'll open the wrong cupboard - how do you the best preempt an awkward conversation? Answer: these Cocaine and Heroin Shakers from David Shrigley. Next time your parents come over for dinner - maybe for a nice Hanukkah bowl of mazto ball soup - pass them this spice set as you inquire about the flavor of their meal. You might shatter the facade they've maintained all these years, but you're making a worthwhile investment to avoid a most awkward scenario somewhere down the road.

 

Price:  $54

Brand:  David Shrigley

Store:  Third Drawer Down (also GOODHOOD)

Why:  There's a story out there, often attributed to iconic business leaders like Thomas Edison or Henry Ford, that goes something along these lines: 

As a boss, he used to give potential job applicants a bowl of soup during an interview; if the applicant salted the soup without trying it first he wouldn't hire them, because it meant the candidate would make decisions without analyzing or collecting data first. 

With these salt and pepper shakers from David Shrigley, no one will blame you for over-spicing your food just so you have an excuse to show them off. Plus the thirty seconds it takes for your out of town aunts and uncles to realize what exactly is inside - Wait a second, cocaine, heroin... cocaine is white, heroin is bl-- Oh, it's just salt and pepper, thank God! - is worth every dollar.